Why Should I Help You?
I could be anyone. I could be your new neighbor, your nurse at your next hospital visit, your cashier at your grocery store, or perhaps your next future boss. I might be the person who gives you the tip for your next career break, or perhaps the one who introduces you to your future spouse.
Right now I’m a stranger to you, but I could be someone that makes a positive and significant influence in your life. However, have you given me any reason to help you? How do you normally treat a stranger? Do you make that stranger feel a little uplifted after an encounter with you, or do you simply dismiss the stranger? Perhaps on bad days, you even deplete them and make them feel worse for taking that brief moment of your time? We’re talking about all kinds of strangers, from new strangers we’ve never seen before to the familiar ones that you run into in your daily routine but never actually met.
With all the strangers you will meet in the future, some could potentially improve your life in ways you can’t imagine. The question is, have you given them a reason to?
The Practical Reasons for Being Nice
Being nice to people helps your network, but there’s practical reasons to be nice other than for favors. It’s no surprise, but people want to be around positive people and they naturally gravitate towards such people. Studies have also shown that 9 out of 10 people are more productive when around positive people. Just simply being around positive people will make you more productive.
How You Should Be Nice to Me
Say there was an incident where you gave me a negative encounter and now you want to make up for it. You might think the next positive encounter will get things back to normal, but it won’t. According to the book How Full Is Your Bucket, studies have shown that you need a ratio of 5:1 - five good encounter for every bad encounter for the relationship to stay healthy. This ratio is a general rule, which can be applied to couples and marriages as well as for employees and work environments.
Also, remember that what you find to be positive might not be quite positive for me. For example, don’t give me a Starbucks gift card if I don’t drink coffee. Give me something that I would appreciate. If you don’t know, then simply find out - that’s why the nice gesture you give will be special. Engage me in a little dialogue and empathize to find out what I like. Otherwise, your efforts could be wasted and you might be better off not trying at all.
Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t Be So Nice to Me
Although I want you to be nice to me, let’s not overdo it. How far is that point? Earlier I mentioned that 5:1 was the magic ratio for being nice, and they also found out that you’d get diminishing returns beyond a 13:1 ratio. At that point, being nice is watered down and it just won’t get the same effect. In other words, if you’ve given me a positive encounter thirteen times, you might want to consider hurling an unexpected insult at me to keep me in check. (Okay, not an insult, but perhaps a constructive criticism.)
Unexpected Benefits
OK, allow me to practice what I preach. This blog is about personal development, so hopefully this gesture is something you might be able to use. StrengthsFinder is an online traits test to help people identify their natural strengths. Only people who purchased the book has access to a unique registration code for the test, but I have an extra registration code (one is also included in How Full Is Your Bucket). Feel free to leave a comment or contact me directly to ask for my extra StrengthsFinder code (if I get multiple request, I can pull a name out of a hat).
We can use more random acts of kindness in this world. Have you gave, or perhaps even received, a random act of kindness recently?
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Being from a British-Canadian family, we were definitely raised with the “if you can’t say something nice…” mentality. As you said, however, that can go too far turning nice to doormat.
I believe that my strengths lie in conciliation and consensus, but fall flat when I need to actually stand up for an opinion. I’m so far from single-minded I make Sybil look like a person with a one-track mind.
I’d therefore love to win (because I’m sure you’re going to get many requests) the registration code, because finding out what my strengths are (beyond what I think they are) would be a super-useful exercise.
Cheers,
Alex
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome’s last blog post: Patience is a Virtue… and a Curse
Hi Al: That’s an interesting point that it takes five positive encounters to make up for one bad encounter. And it’s so true that being positive will help elevate all those around you. This post made me think of “Lagniappe”, which is a Louisiana French word which means “a little something extra.” Like when you buy a book and the store throws in a cute bookmark on-the-house.
Marelisa’s last blog post: Lessons to Teach Your Children (Part 1)
Hi there Al
I think I must live in a rather gentle world - I experience kindness all the time. Last night we got given our red wines for free (it’s winter here) - I was driving so I only had two - that’s kind enough for me!
I remember hearing once that a stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet - or something similar. I liked that.
Robin’s last blog post: Reincarnation… A Scenario
@Alex: I have family friends who are Canadian and they are some of the nicest people I know. When I visited Canada recenlty I had the impression it was a culture thing, but I also felt that the niceness was also sincere. I lived in California for a long time and I can tell you that a lot of the niceness I came across was superficial. Regarding the code, I think I’ll wait until Friday to see if there’s anyone else also interested.
@Mare: That’s a cool word, “Lagniappe.” Not sure how it’s pronounced! Yeah, the little extra something is what I’ll be trying to work on more with my interactions with people - thanks for the phrase!
@Robin: That’s awesome that you got free wine. There’s some “lagniappe” right there
. “A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet,” I like that phrase. I think I’ll have that in mind for now on when meeting new people.
I have a friend who is over 70 and has Parkinsons. The guy who usually cuts his grass is away for a month. So I volunteered to do it on Sunday. I received a good workout, some rays, and was happy to help. Helping was payment enough.
Davina’s last blog post: My Turn To Be Seen
I was taught that kindness is a way of life, a virtue that requires cultivation. This doesn’t mean I can’t be a bit testy now and again, but overall, my mother taught us to give more than take.
“It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
SpaceAgeSage’s last blog post: Self-Knowledge
Well with helping people, I need to see them at least try to help themselves first, otherwise I would just be an enabler. As far as being nice, it’s easier for me to treat people the way I want to be treated. I can’t really keep count with ratios.
Natural’s last blog post: Is Your Subscriber Count Showing?
Al - LOL yes, and not only are all Canadians nice, but we live in igloos and travel about by dog sled. Trust me, we have some very un-nice people here. However, I guess it must be cultural enough to have people believe Canadians are all very nice. If you haven’t seen it already, I highly recommend you watch the John Candy (a Canadian) movie Canadian Bacon. He does a great job poking fun at our nice-ness.
I have to agree with Alex on the downside of our ‘be nice’ upbringing. It went too far, and we always retreated as opposed to standing up for what we really believe in, or standing firm in the face of very definite un-niceness. As with everything, common sense must apply.
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“We can use more random acts of kindness in this world.”
I agree!
Friends helping each other - that’s obvious. But random acts of kindness make the world a better place, and make YOU feel so much better too.
Vered’s last blog post: Thank You For Smoking
Hi Al - Often, when I see folk who treat strangers like dirt, I hope and pray that they’ll do it one day, only to discover that the stranger they were mean to is their new boss.
By the way - I would like to go in the bucket for the draw please. Thank you.
@Davina: That’s great that you are being a helpful neighbor. We sure could use more people like you who show kindness simply because it’s a good thing to do! I’ve been following Linda Abbit’s TenderLovingEldercare blog and I have a greater appreciation now for the elderly.
@SpaceAgeSage: “To give more than you take,” those are excellent words to live by. Thank you for introducing Kahlil Gibran to me. I read his chapter on Love from The Prophet and absolutely enjoyed it.
@Natural: Agreed, there’s a difference between helping someone versus letting them freeload. Great approach for not taking score also… I think it’s a good reminder that always saying nice things and never saying anything bad may make a kind act seem disingenuous, so the bottom line is that it’s healthy to give an honest response that’s not always sugar-coated.
You’ve shared very interesting stats about 5:1 and 13:1. I guess there must be a balance somewhere between receiving and giving. I’m also all for a random act of kindness. It’s easy to implement it on the web
Evelyn
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post: 10 Insights Into The Power Of Thoughts
I actually wrote a post about this called THE POWER OF A KIND AND GENEROUS HEART and it was a homage to my mother who always taught me that it takes very little to smile and be nice to people, even strangers, but you have the power to make a huge difference to another human being.
I follow her lead and practice conscious acts of generosity on a daily basis, whether it’s doing favors for friends, chatting to supermarket employees, helping people with kids get on/off buses or driving my elderly neighbour to a doctor’s appointment. It makes me feel better, it attracts better energy to my life and means I am spreading some of my mother’s loving heart all around.
The world would be a better place if we were all a little kinder to each other.
Kelly
Kelly@SHE-POWER’s last blog post: The Marbella Money Shot
This is a very thought provoking post, Al.
I tend to believe that when we’re ‘nice’ to people for no other reason than ‘being nice’ itself, many positive benefits occur.
This, to me, is summed up in the maxim- ‘do unto others…’
In life, I have a natural approach to give everyone, strangers included, the best of my attitude at the start.
I have found that if you treat people with the dignity and respect that we all deserve (being nice, perhaps?), then directly and indirectly good things happen.
To give a specific example, in my career, I have always made a point of taking the time to get to know and speak with every colleague, no matter their ‘level’ according to the organization.
This means enjoying chatting to the senior manager or the receptionist. Quite properly, it doesn’t matter to me.
However, other colleagues do not treat all colleagues as equals. They never talk to people outwith their own grade.
What naturally happens, is that on the occasions when I have needed help with a situation, these colleagues are willing to go the extra mile to assist me.
I just do this because it seems right, not to gain anything.
The idea of doing a ‘random act of kindness’ sounds brilliant.
Interesting stuff, Al.
Hi Al,
I was raised with the “if you can’t say something nice…”, too. I think it’s a great way to live our lives.
I also believe in karma. When I see others taking advantage, I just think, “someday…” After all, what goes around, comes around.
I feel like I’m blessed in so many ways everyday. I can’t help but to not give back. That’s a wonderful feeling.
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@Urban Panther: Yeah, I guess my statement about Canadians was a bit of an over-generalization
. I just was really impressed whenever I go visit my family friends in Toronto. At any rate, it does sound like both you and Alex were able to adjust and to know when to be nice and when to be firm. I’ll be looking out for that John Candy movie you mentioned!
@Vered: Ain’t that the truth! I try to follow the news but it brings me down sometimes. The news about the multiple wars going on, the negative political attack ads, and the economy can really drain me, but when I come across generous people, that lifts me up and makes me want to spread that sentiment. Random acts of kindness can be contagious!
@Cath: That would be sweet justice! For people who treat people like dirt, the day will come when it’ll come around, that’s for sure. I also got you down for possibly the Strengthsfinder code, too. I’ll let you know tomorrow Cath who got it.
@Evelyn: I was intrigued by the 5:1 and the 13:1 ratio too. The way I try to use it is just to remind myself that it’s OK to give constructive criticism when needed. Oh, and thank you for the stumble vote
@Kelly: Thanks for sharing the story about your mom. I really liked her point about how only a little effort of kindness can really uplift someone significantly. She should be proud too, since she’s helped you to be a giving person. Sometimes the story people tell me reinforces my belief that love can indeed create something from nothing.
@Scott: I know exactly the kind of people you’re talking about… the status-climbers. I find what you say to be true, that the sincere people are the ones who are consistent with how they treat people, whether they’re at a high level or at an entry level. The sincere ones are also those who are liked and appreciated by everyone, too. Thanks for that story Scott!
@Barbara: Thank you for the comment - as I was writing this article I knew that it touched upon something that might seem like a cliche, but sometimes they are cliches because there’s truth in it. Words only have meaning when there is substance behind them for support. I can honestly say that I’ve learned a lot from your words and your blog!
What you put out comes back to you. That’s a good enough reason to be nice.
Or as Tim Ferris puts it, “Think twice before not being nice. Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.”
“Just simply being around positive people will make you more productive.”
Good point, as this is really true.
I try to say a warm hello as much as I can when I go on walks. A hello is a tremendous act of kindness to a stranger; it can really brighten their day.
I know when I receive one - it brightens mine.
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Hello All i really loved this one, it’s interesting to see how you think about stranger and i really like it,
and as Bamboo Forest said i too like to greet every one i find on the street, but we Indians are not use to with such behavior, if i say hello to every single person i meet on the street or the one if meet often people will think i have lost my mind, or i am trying some prank on them LOL
@DanGTD: That’s a great line from Tim Ferris. I’ll definitely remember that one!
@Bamboo: A warm “Hello” is indeed powerful. I’m bad with remembering people’s name, but I also try to specifically greet people by name if I get a chance.
@Sunil: I guess the random acts of kindness can really take some people by surprise!
Also, congrats to Alex Fayle for the StrengthsFinder code. I pulled his name out of the hat (actually, I used Random.org for a random number generator to make the pick).
Alex - I’ll send you an email with the StrengthsFinder code. Although there is a book associated with the test, I believe all you need to do is to review the report it gives when you finish taking it.
Al,
Another beautiful, thought-provoking post. I love the idea of random acts of kindness. What I DON’T understand is that when you see a friend or person you know well NEEDING some kindness, it is often ignored as “somebody else will take care of that.”
I, too, frequently see those Starbucks coupons as a “pick me up.” How little people know about those they purport to care about.
Rita
Rita’s last blog post: Rest In Peace, Dear Joey G. – Your Damn Dad Molested Me
Yay! Thanks Al! I’m going to blog about the results in a couple of weeks time once I’ve had a chance to digest it all.
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome’s last blog post: My Summer Someday List
@Rita: when you talked about how people assume that others will step in if someone needs help, it reminds me of the story a few months ago about the elderly man who got hit-and-run in broad daylight and no one helped him. However, there was a big public outcry so I still do have some faith in people!
@Alex: Cool, I’ll be looking forward to your blog about your results!
I don’t know but isn’t it just simpler to be nice to people? I’m a positive person and am nice with everybody. if they aren’t nice in return, I just write them off! Being mean and nasty just puts you in a bad mood and is also bad for your complexion.
Urbane Lion - agreed, just being nice is the best and most straightforward approach. Unfortunately, there are some people out there that sometimes need a little extra incentive to be nice
Al,
As I continue to follow this thread, I must say - either bloggers as a whole are terrific people, your audience is an awesome lot, where everyone is a great little helper, or somone is full of more than kindness.
I read Davina’s response: an example of a random act of kindness, for sure.
Everybody else (myself included), with the possible exception of Natural’s reflective and fascinating remark, agrees that we should all be upbeat, happy, helpful people. And I personally think that’s terrific - outstanding. Yet the ratio of your commenters who claim to perform these acts of kindess is near 100%!
It is too easy to say it…it is much harder to do it. I appreciate what Urbane Lion said (particularly about the complexion), but where are the actions? Where are the stories, the vignettes - other than Davina’s?
I read that post you directed me to. I believe that EVERYBODY should read that post. It speaks volumes about all of us “helpers” out there.
Thank you for sending me there. Was I surprised? NO. Was it a necessary lesson. MOST DEFINITELY!
Thanks,
Rita
Rita’s last blog post: Love Letters…
Hi Rita,
One of my biggest pet peeves is listening to an insincere person extolling his altruistic virtues to garner admiration from people. I do think however that people here are sincere when they say they do practice showing kindness.
For me though, the worst form of insincerity is when people are kind to strangers and acquaintances for appearance, but show apathy or even disdain to their own family. I really pay attention to the dynamics someone has when they are around their own family. The love and loyalty one shows to their spouse and kids is very revealing of one’s character.
Nice post:) For me being nice is being civil. If a person doesn’t treat you the same way it is his problem anymore because i believe in good karma.
[…] Al - You made me hope - that people would read this and stop treating strangers so bad. […]